Holding Space for Tenderness 🖤

Volume 2, Issue 13

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July 5, 2024
New Moon in Cancer 🌑 ♋
Sun in Cancer ☀️ ♋

New Moon Greetings, dear Friends❣️

It's July, and it's Cancer season! Today, I aim to relish in the luxurious, nurturing waters of this Cancer new moon. I'm resolved to open up to what's lurking within the shadows of my consciousness and to sort out my tender feelings. I'm creating space for deep nurturing and self-care throughout the coming weeks of mourning and grief in this chapter of resolution and justice in Sierra's story.

The month of July has become incredibly poignant for me in recent years. I've been reflecting on the overwhelming contrast of experiences in July over the last several years, including joyful celebrations, milestones, and intense losses. I wonder how to make sense of it all. Perhaps it's better to gently remember and embrace everything with a kind perspective, acknowledging that this is part of my journey, over which I often have little control. I'm allowing myself a moment of acceptance and surrender to all my feelings while practicing self-compassion as a human being.

July 2020 - New Home
In July 2020, we moved into our current home, which I've grown so fond of. This story unfolded at the beginning of the global COVID-19 pandemic in March 2020. On a whim and strange feeling, we followed our instincts and looked at houses for sale. We started looking before everything closed down. Once the world stopped, we had to pause to ensure we would both remain employed and able to survive the pandemic. We restarted the search in early April 2020, three weeks into the shutdown. 

This was the first house we viewed when we resumed our house hunt. It had been re-listed after the initial purchase contract fell through due to COVID. Located on a street we'd admired for years, it was in the neighborhood we'd called home since 2013. We made an immediate offer, which was accepted within three days. The purchase agreement suited both parties ideally: our rental lease expired in July 2020, and the sellers needed to stay until July before moving. We moved in on July 19, 2020.

I will always believe that this house is a gift from the Universe. It's not perfect. Nothing is. But it's as close to perfect as we could ever imagine. I even remember thinking it was too good to be true some days. While we were on top of the world with joy when we moved into this house, the world as a whole was suffering and grieving with overwhelming confusion and enormous loss on a scale that was inconceivable. Even within those complicated moments, I was ecstatic with joy moving into this house.

July 2021 - Graduation Celebrations
One year later, on July 4, 2021, I was decorating tables, preparing the menu and activities, and hosting the most joyous of milestone celebrations: a double graduation party for both of my kids, who were both living with us at the time. Together, we planned our first large gathering in our new home. It was a celebration for the ages with many friends, family, food, and neighborhood fireworks. This was the first party I had hosted in years, having lived in small apartments with little room for such gatherings for several years.

Concluding a 7-year journey filled with academic successes and a terrible car accident that derailed her for two years, forcing her to abandon her nursing major, Sierra graduated from Cleveland State University with a BA in Spanish and a minor in Psychology. We were incredibly excited for Sierra's bright future, hopeful and supportive. At the same time, we were distraught as we began to learn of her profound struggles with trauma, mental health, and addiction.

Vanner graduated from Cleveland Heights High School and signed a five-year contract with the US Army. He had been committed to this choice for over a year. He had many compelling reasons for wanting to join the military. We were concerned and asked him many tough questions, to which he always provided thoughtful and reasonable responses. We knew we had to support him in this decision, which was right for him. At 18 years old, he was scheduled to leave for basic training on July 12, 2021.

July 2022 - Tragic Loss and Departures
Sierra moved out of our home in March 2022 while deep in her struggle with recovery and addiction. As her parents, we had to make difficult and complicated decisions, walking a thin line between love, support, and enabling. Vanner came home on military leave at the end of June for 10 days before he departed for South Korea on July 10, 2022. We enjoyed the holiday together, celebrating and preparing for Vanner's upcoming assignment on the other side of the world. 

While home, Vanner pleaded with his sister to care for herself and work on her recovery. He said he didn't want to receive any bad news about her while he was far away. These two siblings shared some sweet moments together before he left. Sierra gave Vanner a handwritten note to take with him, which he was supposed to read when he left. We had no idea it would be the last time we would all be together as a family.

Then, we sent Vanner off to Korea. Two days later, he arrived at Camp Henry, near Seoul, to begin in-processing. He would undergo two weeks of training before heading to his permanent station at Camp Walker in Daegu. 

Three days after Vanner left, I woke up to two voicemails on my phone: one from the emergency room doctor and another from the neurologist in intensive care. Sierra had gone into cardiac arrest from fentanyl poisoning and was revived by EMS. She now lay brain-dead and on life support in an intensive care unit. Her boyfriend confirmed they were together at his parent's house when it happened, and he had used it with her. That's all he would tell me. Once the doctors determined she would never wake up, and we faced the most complicated and awful decisions, her boyfriend and his parents hired lawyers and refused to discuss what happened. We will never know the truth of that evening's events.

Amidst the chaos of shock and disbelief, while planning to take Sierra off life support and coordinating her organ donation, we had to arrange Vanner's return trip home just days after he arrived. He made it home on July 16, 2022, minutes after she was pronounced dead. He stayed home on emergency leave for 10 days and attended her memorial service. Then, 10 days after her death, we put him on a plane back to Korea.

Then I went numb. I realized I would never be the same. The events of July 2022 forever changed me, and I will always struggle to make sense of such a tragic end for my beautiful and beloved daughter.

July 2023 - Bereavement Group
Vanner stayed in Korea after a brief visit over the holidays in December 2022. Bob and I were feeling incredibly raw and wished to lay low. During the week of the anniversary of Sierra's death, we started a 10-week, in-person bereavement group for parents of child loss that was offered by Lifebanc, the organ donation organization. While that group helped us tremendously, it tore me open with such deep sadness for our loss and the losses of the entire group. A group of strangers who dared to show up each week and face these losses together. In the faces of these strangers, I witnessed so much pain and courage to show up and move forward together. 

This was another moment in my journey through this loss that forever changed me. None of the parents who attended this child loss group wanted to be there, yet we all knew it would help us to unite in our pain. None of us wanted to face such intense loss together, but we did, and we are better for it. I haven't been to any more grief counseling since that group. I believe I'm still processing such intense collective pain.

July 2024 - Homecoming and Justice
And here we are now, two years following Sierra's tragic and untimely passing. I didn't even think about the July 4th festivities. Not even remotely. Vanner's homecoming is all I can think about leading up to his arrival. Our son returns home for 30 days next week on July 11. We will take him to his next station in New Jersey at Fort Dix on August 10, where he will remain for the next two years. In the same country. In the same time zone. I am relieved he will be so much closer to home.

I will try to enjoy this short and precious time with Vanner. He's been very private with his grief. At 21 years old, he's still young and perhaps can't fully grasp such a loss. I cannot imagine losing a sibling in such a way at his age. We've had brief discussions with him when possible, and he is rationalizing his feelings in his own way. Essentially, he has had to grieve alone, living halfway around the world from his family. He's had to remain strong and composed while serving in the US Army and mourning the loss of his only sister. My heart and soul ache just thinking about it.

While Vanner is home, he will join us in attending the sentencing hearing for Sierra's boyfriend on July 23. I will shift some of my focus to the sentencing hearing, where I will read my victim impact statement to Sierra's boyfriend and the court. This statement will be the most critical and consequential piece of writing I will ever create. Sierra's boyfriend will go to prison for corrupting Sierra with drugs, serving a sentence of 9 to 36 months. We will witness him being led out of the courtroom and taken directly to prison, precisely two years from Sierra's memorial service on July 22, 2022.

As I write this, I can hardly believe it's all true. I sometimes still question: Is this really real? Did this actually happen? Is this my life? Is this our family's story? How am I surviving this loss?

This July is all about holding space for the tenderness of this moment: the homecoming, justice, and the anniversary of Sierra's tragic death. I must take care of myself, parenting myself as my mother and father, nurturing my inner child amidst all this sorrow. I have no clue what that entails other than taking my time, stopping to rest, crying, holding myself with grace, and allowing these feelings to be tended to with the deepest well of self-compassion.

If anyone reading this can relate in any way, whether through loss or having loved ones struggling with addiction, I send you a heartfelt whisper of empathy and compassion. To those of you who read to understand and support my journey through these murky waters of loss, sorrow, and anguish, I thank you for being here.

I encourage all of you reading this to take gentle moments of tenderness for yourself. Hold yourself in a way that feels profoundly nurturing. Hold your beloved family and friends in an extra-long hug whenever you can.

Hoffman Institute Feelings and Needs List

Take care,
Jennifer 💫💖💫

May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you live with ease

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Art Feature 🎨

Water Container with Shell and Seaweed, c. 1914. Seifū Yohei IV (Japanese, 1872–1951). Porcelain with underglaze blue, blue glaze and molded design and lacquered wood lid; height: 16.5 cm (6 1/2 in.); diameter: 14 cm (5 1/2 in.). The Cleveland Museum of Art, Gift of James and Christine Heusinger 2022.212

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Current and Upcoming Offerings - Planet Prana  Meditation Space 🕉️

A pivot: It's time to adjust my live meditation offerings toward something more supportive and accessible for my current and future clients. My weekly live offerings have not gained traction since their launch in May 2023. Still, my on-demand content is beginning to attract interest. I refuse to see this as a failure but as an opportunity to shift toward something more regenerative and sustainable. 

Next month, in August, I won't offer any live group meditation sessions online while I determine what future live offerings might look like. I have some ideas and plan to seek your input as well. If you have thoughts or insights about live online meditation gatherings, please share them in the comments section below or send me a direct message. I would love to hear your ideas!

Weekly Group Meditation Sessions Live on Zoom: This is the last month of these live offerings in their current format while I figure out how to pivot. We meet for 30 minutes every Monday + Wednesday at 12:30 pm. Monday Meditation offers an opportunity to create a purposeful and intentional mindset for the week. The Midweek Mindfulness Break on Wednesdays allows us to connect with our body, mind, and spirit, fostering calm, ease, and acceptance.

If you prefer flexibility - practice on-demand ▶️
Enjoy these new practices recently added. 

🪷 10-minute short practices: Short and simple guided meditations can help you feel grounded, present, and connected to your body. These practices cater to the varying needs of our body, mind, and spirit, helping us understand our needs at different times. Click the links to access.

🪷 Compassion For Your Emotions
🪷 Exploring the Water Element
🪷 Mantra Meditation
🪷 Standing Meditation
🪷 Center + Circumference

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Planetary Bodies 🪐

• New moon in Cancer on July 5, 2024 🌑 ♋

• Venus in Cancer moves into Leo on July 11, 2024 ♋ ➡️ ♎

• Waxing half-moon in Libra on July 13, 2024 🌓 ♎

• Mars conjunct Uranus in Taurus on July 15, 2024 ♉

• Mars in Taurus moves into Gemini on July 20, 2024 ♉ ➡️ ♊

• Full moon in Capricorn on July 21, 2024 🌕 ♑

• The Sun in Cancer moves into Leo on July 22, 2024 ♋ ➡️ ♌

• Mercury in Leo moves into Virgo on July 25, 2024 ♌ ➡️ ♍

New moon intentions: On this new moon in Cancer, I send my past self love, my future self strength, and a million compassionate affirmations to my current self. I prioritize my family, my nurturing, and, above all, my emotional security.

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CAN YOU HELP ME MEET MY GOAL?

I aim to find 1000 people interested in subscribing to this work at a rate of $55 per year, which demonstrates our belief as creatives that artists and writers can and should earn a living wage and shows the world that we value their contributions. I support the creative community by allocating at least 5% of my income to support other artists, writers, makers, creatives, performers, etc. If I achieve my goal, I will keep at least $2750 within the creative community. Additionally, I make every effort to continuously encourage, support, share, and promote the work of others.

$55 per year seems like a lot, but it works out to around $1 weekly.

I’ll conclude this newsletter with my heartfelt gratitude to all of my readers and subscribers! Thank you for your time and energy to read my work here on Substack!